Spannung (voltage)

Everything that happens at sea is more vivid. I feel as if I have been rubbed raw, with only a thin layer to segregate my surfacing emotions from the outside world. Words come more easily; ideas show up in my mind more fully-formed. Every part of my nervous system is awake – feeling, thinking, experiencing, remembering. I can recall in perfect, high-resolution detail what happened at sea 2, 5, even 8 years ago, more so than any event on land. Energy courses through me. I become almost impervious to cold. Out here, I am a high-voltage human.

This cruise has been trying for me on multiple fronts. The past 5 weeks have brought more storms to the ship than I have ever seen before, in the Arctic or anywhere else, and the consistently horrible weather meant that my research was pushed off until the very end of the cruise. Over and over again, I put together dive plans only to watch them get cancelled as the ship fled to the east or to the west to avoid 5 m waves. In the end, I only got 2 of the 3 ROV dives I was supposed to have, which meant I was not actually able to accomplish my highest-priority goal for the cruise. I got good data from the mooring samples, but I also had long stretches of nothing. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster of excitement and curiosity and seasickness and frustration and adventure and impatience and joy and disappointment and beauty and growth and exhaustion.

Our cruise track

Challenging as it was, the time was not wasted because my mind was always at work. While on board, I’ve submitted 3 proposals to fund future research and outlined a fourth. I wrote sections of two different papers, which I should be able to finish up and submit soon after getting home. My high-voltage state has helped me make massive progress in evaluating my ongoing projects, and I feel my hypotheses have grown to another level. My husband likened my mental journey on this cruise to a spirit quest or a summer on Walden Pond. From my perspective, it’s felt more like a strange and painful coming-of-age ritual, like when teenagers are sent out into the wilderness alone. This cruise has shredded me, and I emerge transformed.

Prior to now, I considered my involvement with AWI to be an extension of my past. I’ve even likened trips to Bremerhaven to visiting a past version of myself. But I’m learning to see myself as a grown-up scientist and my ongoing collaboration as a real part of my present. I have plenty of ideas for how to move forward, and the next time I return here, it will be hopefully not as a guest but as full-fledged shareholder.

We’re approaching Tromsø now, which after 14 sea-going expeditions is still my favorite port city in the world. Tomorrow, I will take a long walk through town, breathe the crisp Arctic air, and remind myself why I do my job – because the world is a beautiful place, and I want to understand every part of it. Friends, I will catch up with you when I’m back stateside.